so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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