I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
