Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
