They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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