I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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