Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
That reminds me...we need to get swords
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
