dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
