I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize