I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So gin and wine won't be happening again
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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