Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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