Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
