My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
