Do vagina's smell?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
