OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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