Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
