I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
