Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
