a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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