Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
