Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
