I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
