Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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