This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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