I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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