shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
