I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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