I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
