RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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