Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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