maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
