You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
