Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
