I'm so fucking centered right now
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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