I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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