Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
