threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
