someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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