there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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