did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
