girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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