Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
