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my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
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