The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Still dying that you shit outside
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
