He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
