come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
