I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
