drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
