I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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