I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize