she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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