Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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