maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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