There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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