Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
