Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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