why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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