Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
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