I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
