i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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