so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
