it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
