please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
