Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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