haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
