I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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